Happy Monday After A Long Weekend! Lists – Stuff I Would Never Eat, Even If You Paid Me & Stuff I Really, Really Want To Eat.

I have some proper Stuffs waiting in the wings, but they’re not ready to be read just yet. However, you have all just returned from a long weekend, and I can’t leave you hanging, so here are 2 lists, just for you!

Well, you, and everyone else who reads this blog.

Stuff I Would Never Eat, Even If You Paid Me A Very Large Sum Of Money.

1. An Anus. Any Anus. I do not mean ‘eat OUT an anus’, which I would not do, but imagine I *would* do for a large sum of money (Okay, $100… any takers? No? Okay, you know what? FUCK YOU! I didn’t want to eat your eat anus anyway, YA FREAK!). I literally mean an anus, like the kind they make people eat on Survivor and Fear Factor. Just a little bit of skin with a hole in the middle, ripped from, like, a kangaroo or a pig or a rhino or something. Yes, I know they wash it, but I am pretty sure evolution didn’t create anuses for us to eat, so I am pretty sure they are not flavourful. In the least.
2. Cat. I don’t want to know that my cats can be very delicious. I’m a crazy cat lady, and you never know when you’re going to fall on hard times. I just don’t need that kind of temptation. For whatever reason, I *would* eat a dog, though. I love dogs, but I am actually kinda curious. Weird, huh!
3. Nails, Screws, Other Assorted Building Materials. I hate the smell of metal, 1, and 2, I hate the idea of shit poking through my organs. On top of that, you can’t chew any of that kind stuff, you have to just swallow it down whole, and I am not sure I could even do that. I still need to rub my throat to take pills. Oh, and I refuse to believe those kinds of items could truly be completely clean. If the nails don’t getcha, the tetanus will!
4. Glass. NO. FING. WAY. Not in a fine powder, not covered in the best Belgian chocolate, not if you paid me a million dollars every day for the rest of my LIFE. I hate glass. HATE IT.
5. Hair. It gets caught in your throat, which is just a hassle. I’d rather not have a large sum of money than have to do that cough-&-mouth-sweep thing you have to do when you ‘accidentally swallow a pube’. Or when you do it on purpose.

Stuff I Really, Really Want To Eat That A Lot Of People Would Need A Large Sum Of Money To Eat, And Possibly Not Approve Of!

1. Puffin. I heard it tastes really, really amazing, and because I do not particularly fancy birds (except for eating), and I find the puffin ridiculously ugly, I imagine this would be an amazing experience for me on a lot of levels.
2. Whale. I love Iceland, and Iceland loves whale, so through the transitive property, I LOVE WHALE. It doesn’t have to be blue whale, or one of the others that are on the Endangered Species List (TM). Any ol’ whale will do jussst fine. I imagine whale to look both like clear spam and a tuna steak. Oh… turns out it just looks like regular steak. Hmm.
3. Baby Sham. This is actually a drink. I am still unclear on WTF it actually is, and I bet I’ll hate it, but just like Pot Noodle, I saw it on an early 80’s British comedy, therefore I NEED IT NOW.
4. Any Bug or Insect, Anytime, Any Place. I had meal worm larvae one time, in regular and BBQ flavours. They were quite good. I decided then and there that I enjoyed eating bugs and insects. I imagine beetles are delicious. Oh, and chocolate-covered grasshoppers? Where can I get me some of those? The way people talk, you’d think they sell them at every bodega, but no. No, they do not. Would anyone pay me to eat dead bugs and video tape it? I’d pay someone to do that.
5. Human. Look, I’m not saying I would KILL someone and eat them, but if someone was like, ‘Hey, I’m going to kill myself, want some leftovers?’, I would not say no. I actually started thinking about this when I heard people talk about weird stuff they’d eaten. I asked myself, Would I eat human flesh if a legal and safe opportunity presented itself? The voice inside me came back with a resounding yes, and I do not feel bad about that. I mean… c’mon. You wanna know what it tastes like, don’t you? We always makes those ‘tastes like chicken’ jokes, but I bet we taste more like beef. I’ll probably never get to eat human flesh¹, which is actually a-ok by me (unlike puffin, which I must obtain within the fortnight!), but I think it’s important to know oneself, and now I know I would if I could. See? This is better than therapy, and I don’t have to actually hear any of you judge me.

Happy Monday After A Long Weekend! After work today, you should get a 6 pack or a bottle of your favourite booze, invite a good friend (or a sexy friend) over for platonic cuddling (or sexy cuddling), and just watch a movie you really fucking love.

Or you could offer yourself up to me to be eaten.

Whatever sounds fun to you!

¹ – Upon re-reading this paragraph, I realize that using the words ‘human flesh’ is really what’s most disturbing about it, and would like for you to mentally change those words to ‘delicious people bacon!’. Thank you.