#27 – Michael Dukakis.

I was a really fucking weird child. I know, News You Couldn’t Already Guess. Before the 1988 presidential election (US), when I was 7 (pushing 8), I was so insanely pro Michael Dukakis, I spent HOURS telling my father he had to vote for him. I also drew pictures of George Bush, Sr. (then, just George Bush) with actual bushes on his head (not vaginas; the plant kind). Did I know what was going on at all? No. I just had this insane passion for the Democratic Party, and the idea of anyone but their nominee winning was unacceptable.

As we all know, My Main Man Mike did not win. As a matter of fact, he holds a place in American history as kind of big fucking joke.

But seriously, this motherfucker is UH MAZING.

First of all, he’s a scorpio, and that’s just the best sign in the zodiac, period. I am a scorpio, and, kind of ironically, more presidents have been scorpios than any other star sign. He remains the longest running governor of MA, with his only real bad mark being in his last 2 years in office, which were- not surprisingly- the 2 years immediately following his defeat to Bush.

I mean… c’mon. If you had lost to that dude, wouldn’t you be a little depressed, too? $1.5 million in debt-$1.5 smillion in smedt, he was just going through some stuff. I forgive him. I understand completely.

He was also the second Greek-American governor in the United States, preceeded only by Spiro Agnew. Spiro Fuckin’ Agnew. That’s not too shabby, if you ask me. It’s like winning an Oscar the year after DeNiro wins. Or Walken.

He also appeared on an episode of St. Elsewhere, many, many years before it became fashionable for politicians to do that sort of thing. Trendsetter!

Dukakis also supported an issue really near and dear to my heart. He vetoed a bill that would have required the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in schools. Having already been identified as unconstitutional in 1943, Dukakis, that brilliant, full bodied hairdo, sexy as hell motherfucker, shot the bill down. And then he mooned all of his naysayers via video phone, which was the new hot thing that he was really into then, having gotten a reputation for being a tech-friendly kind of guy.

He was also phenomenal in Steel Magnolias.

Oh wait, that was Olympia Dukakis.

Oh, but even that is a wonderful item on the list of reasons why Darling Mikey is an outstanding, upstanding guy! Olympia is his cousin!

So the next time Bill Maher makes a remark about Dukakis and his failed attempt to become president oh so many years ago while attending a dinner party you decided to have just so you could cut ties with all your D-List, maybe-too-political friends, you throw your martini right in his smug bastard face, and you tell him: ‘NO, WILLIAM! YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY PRECIOUS MIKEY D LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE! NOW GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LICK THIS MESS UP! LICK IT UP, WILLIAM!’

Or just grit your teeth and then text message John Mayer with ‘God, Bill is sooo getting on my nerves’.