Things EVERYONE Loves Thursday, #6.

It’s 743 in the morning.

In the morning.

I don’t know why I’m awake right now, but I hope it shows all of you how much I completely adore you. Not only is it too early in the morning, but I also stayed out late drinking and playing Rock Band at Pat O’Brien’s, and I actually can’t feel my face or any of my extremities right now.

To write an actual joke here has proven painful and time-consuming, so it’s onto…

STUFF THAT A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE FIND DESIRABLE THURSDAY!

1. Rock Band. There is no one on this entire planet who will ever come into contact with one or more RB controllers and not automatically smile, make 3 new friends (at least), and have the most amazing time of their life. I’m sorry, this is just the most accurate thing that will ever appear on this blog. I’m a board-certified scientist, and I got some grant money and did a study. I also did a study on whether or not you’re still a virgin if your first time was with a gay dude. The results aren’t in yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re going to come back as a printout that reads ‘YOU CAN CHANGE HIM!’. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like totally possible results.
2. Reuniting With Old Friends. Ever since that incident at the AA Meeting in the Rock Valley Methodist Church basement, I kinda promised myself I’d never make amends again (or hang out with alcoholics… god, those people can’t party AT ALL!). The sad side effect of this is that, because amends gives you a great reason to just call up anyone from your past and ask to hang out, once you say you’re never going to do that again, you kind of only have 2 reasons to out-of-the-blue a former friend or lover- 1. ‘accidental’ dialing of their number, 2. that restraining order they have against you. But sometimes you get lucky, and you get OOTB’d by someone who used to be mildly enjoyable back in the day, and you get to hang out and get some shit off your chest, and maybe have an awkward and sweaty makeout session that you actually end up laughing about a hell of a lot sooner than you did the LAST time. Especially now that your old friend had that sex change, and you just spent an hour explaining to her why you could never be sexually attracted to chicks. But see? That’s why everyone loves this- time kinda heals all wounds, and you just feel better about yourself all around afterwards. Oh, and it’s okay that you think she’s hot; she totally still has a penis.
3. When Animals Act Like People. I have 4 cats, and the times when they are most adorable are when they do things that make them look like they are trying to be people. It’s actually, when you think about it, a weird perception thing- why is X action by Y animal considered ‘people-like’, and why can a group of people all agree on that? Also, why do we want animals to be people so much? Do you have any idea how horrible my living situation would be if my cats were people? My cat throws shit at me NOW, without any opposable thumbs. I’d probably be in an OZ-like situation, or one of those slaves-kept-in-the-floor-of-a-trailer horror stories. Anyway, everyone loves when animals act like people because it means that they are probably as in love with us and aware of us as we are of them, which makes us feel good about ourselves, and the fact that we just dropped $80 on a sweater for something that IS ALWAYS WEARING ITS OWN FUCKING SWEATER.
4. Rock Band. Seriously, this shit is so amazing, I have to list it twice. And if you think that’s a cop out, well, you wanna know what? Where the fuck were you last night? That’s right. That’s. Right. I rest my case.
5. Being Told You Totally Deserve A Promotion, Whether You Actually Want That Promotion Or Not. It’s just nice to have people tell you you’re good enough at something that you could totally do something else. And that you’re worth more than $8/hr.
6. Getting Engaged. Since I am pretty sure I am never going to get married (Legalize Single Person Marriage NOW!), I am taking some people’s words for it on this. Namely, Rebecca over at Losing It, who just got engaged. I am pretty sure she’s happy about that, so if you want to question whether or not this is actually a Thing EVERYONE Loves, well, you are going to just have to head over to her blog and fight it out there. While you’re doing that, though, please tell her I said congratulations over here on Stuff, in a very public and out of character manner. Then tell her I was serious when I said I’d need that $20 back as soon as she had it. God, she NEVER pays anyone back on time! Well, it’s her husband’s problem now. And so are the herpes.

I hope you enjoyed today’s TELT. I also hope you enjoyed your meal, as it will be your last. Mwahahaha!

JK, babies. Have a wonderful Thursday!