#23 – Public Transportation.

Do you know why gas costs so much nowadays?

BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS SOME FUCKING GAS, THAT’S WHY.

I hate to say this- in fact, I am going to say it, and then you should all take a Forget-Me-Now immediately after you read the sentence, because I don’t want this getting out there- but… hippies are right. If it was fucking possible for everyone in the US to stop using gas for the rest of the year, so many amazing things would happen. Like, cab drivers would stop telling me $12 isn’t enough for a fucking ride across town, and it wouldn’t cost so much to go to Vegas, and hippies would shut the fuck up for 5 minutes.

Also, we wouldn’t be killing flowers. Or turtles. Or… I dunno… puppies. Whatever cute animal is cutest to you at any given point in time.

But where the hippies and I diverge (well, we diverge a lot of places… like bathing- I am pro, they are con- and dressing like a normal person- we’re both con, but I just hate the way hippies dress) is that I understand why everyone is all about gas. See, I have generally lived my life in places where public transportation is plentiful. Right this very second, I could ride a bus around the whole of NYC, and I could ring a bell anywhere along the route, and the bus driver would let me off right there. No stop or nothin’, they would let me off right there. Cos I rang a goddamned bell.

But in certain areas of the United States, I have been made to understand that buses only go very long distances. They make 2 or 3 stops, usually hours away from one another. Also, they have bathrooms (!), and old women fall asleep on your shoulder after telling you long, rambling stories about how they slept with Eleanor Roosevelt.

Oh, and all-women baseball teams write songs about themselves.

I don’t know if I believe the last part. I mean… women? Who can play baseball AND write songs? While it sounds completely heartwarming and entertaining, I am just not sure it’s believable.

Anyway, this annoyingly long build-up is all to make one point: Whether or not this is somethingt only *I* like is suspect, simply because a very large chunk of at least the United States’ population does not even have the option of using a form of transportation that is public.

Or maybe they do. I don’t know. I didn’t wiki any of these facts, I just said what I thought was funny.

Moving on.

THE NUMBER ONE REASON I LOVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS…..

It is fast, while also being affordable, and, for the most part, comfortable.

I know, you thought I was going to write about bums who shit on seats and ads for weird foot surgeries and the random guys who rub up against you and jizz on your brand-new Apple Bottom Jeans. That’s next!

Anyway, look- I just walk a few minutes, get on a train, get off the train, walk a few more minutes, and then I am wherever I want to be. I can do this 1 million bajillion times, see, cos I have an unlimited metrocard. How much does it cost someone who has a car? Or even someone who has a fucking bike? More than I pay, and I will bet on that (not a real bet – Ed.). I LIVE ON AN ISLAND, AND I CAN GO TO OTHER STATES AND ISLANDS VIA THIS SYSTEM. It’s like the best science has to offer, but it smells weird and it created a race of mole people.

Here’s something else: when it is cold, I can use the people sitting or standing next to me to warm me up. You know, like when a lady with a big ass sits on half you leg. In the winter, that’s fing great. While most people might move, I, hater of touching, stay exactly where I am, allowing the human blanketyness to warm me.

There is also a the tiny thrill that this person probably thinks I’m crazy because I haven’t moved. And also, the amusement I get from thinking that they maybe do not even know my leg is there. God, people are so weird!

As with most things I like, there is a wonderful sense of smug self-righteousness also involved in taking PT. Though sometimes I am pretty sure that feeling is from the booze I am drinking, and not from actually riding the subway. Because nothing is more awesome than drinking on public transportation.

And nothing makes a better story than vomiting on public transportation, either.

Lastly, riding public transportation is great because it is like non-time. There is nothing you can do while riding public transportation. You can’t type up that email, you can’t go grocery shopping, you can’t breastfeed your baby, you can’t break up with your significant other, you can’t do the pee-pee dance, you can’t edit your short film from the 8 Week Course at the SVA, you can’t wrestle a polar bear, you can’t start a Journey-Look-A-Like-but-Nirvana-Sound-A-Like cover band… all you can do is read, listen to music, people watch, or sell something. Because, the second you do something else, you have ruined it for the rest of us. It’s like a mini-vacation. Every day. It’s free time.

That’s why bums love public transportation. They became bums so they could be free, and goddamnit, that’s what public transportation lets them do.

I also like playing the ‘what is on this pole? is it contagious? is it semen?’ game.

Here’s your Tuesday tip: Go see Dark Knight this weekend.

There will never be another tip  on this blog as great as that one. Enjoy it, nerds.