I think I mentioned this, but I lost the master list of Stuff Only I Like, which means I also lost the master list of Things EVERYONE Loves. I think it’s so bizarre that I can’t come up with ideas for things everyone loves and stuff *I* like without a fucking list.
Never do Special K, kids. Not even if your stepfather says it will make you pretty.
ONWARD!
THESE ARE THINGS THAT EVERYONE LOVES THURSDAY!
- Not Working. No one likes to work. Even really serious, Type-A people. If we could all just vacation 24/7, we all would. And if I ever run for president, that will be my platform. That, and A Six-Pack For Every Child.
- Being Warm. Don’t confuse this with ‘Being hot’. This is quite specifically ‘Being warm’, as in, ‘Being a comfortable temperature when it is otherwise cold around one’s person’. Everyone enjoys a nice sweater and/or a cup of spiked cocoa on a cold winter’s day. Why? Because it’s just like being back in the womb, and who doesn’t want to go back to the womb? Losers, that’s who.
- When Everyone Laughs At A Joke You Told. I say a lot of funny things daily, but I still get that little pitter-pat in my heart when people laugh at something I’ve said. It’s also great when you retell the funny thing to someone ELSE, and they laugh, too, but that doesn’t generally work. Not for me, anyway. GOD, WHY AM I SUCH A FAILURE????
- Windfalls. It’s free money, and if you don’t like free money, you are a robot. Oh, what’s that, Data? You think people who are so focused on money that they consider it the root of all their happiness are horrible people? Well, Wall-E, why don’t you go over there to that ashram and live however you wish, while the rest of us will stay here in civilization, having a big ol’ party with our XBox 360s, large DVD collections, and booze? Hmm? What’s that? Oh, the ashram doesn’t have the kind of food you like, well, then, go sit down over there and keep your metal-hinged mouth shut.
- Telling People That Someone You Knew Died, And Also, Posting A Special Message To That Person’s Myspace. You think it sounds so sick, I’m sure, but if any of you have ever had a fringe friend (someone you KNEW, but who you didn’t really care that much for) die, you are well acquainted with this one. Because death is the end of someone’s life, it isn’t really about them. How could it be? They’re fucking dead. So their death becomes about everyone that ever met them, and how much every single one of those people was really ‘touched’ by that person. I think people often also use it so other will comfort them, and occasionally to get off work.
The posting a special myspace message part is important, too; that’s when you let a bunch of people you’ve never met, and probably never will meet, that you ‘loved this person, and feel bad you didn’t get a chance to really show it, omg Frank how could the lord take you so young????’
Oh, that’s the another reason: it let’s you cash in your yearly ‘I Believe In God!’ token, just in case jesus or your 90 year old Catholic grandfather are watching.
Well, there you have it. Another update for another day. Will I update tomorrow? Will I make more illusions to child abuse? Will I finally escape the clutches of the evil LEX LUTHOR?
If you’re anything like me, you are probably thinking, ‘Who Cares?’
Which, when I think about it, is probably bad, since this is my blog.
Meh.
[...] Every person who walked up to the register- and there were literally THOUSANDS as it was, you know, Jesus’ bday- handed me a credit card. I had been thinking for some time about getting an American Express Blue Card, which were completely new at the time. They were so fing sexy; clear with the little blue box in the middle, and a microchip that stored your info for, I don’t know, shopping in the Matrix, or whatever. I knew jack shit about credit cards. I had heard they caused the great depression, and that only poor people carried Discover, but beyond all that, they were free fucking money, and who doesn’t like that shit? [...]