#5 – Being Fat.

I am about to blow open your whole world. I have a secret that I bet none of you will ever believe, but hear me out. Trust me on this, and, while it will upset the natural balance for you for quite awhile, eventually you’ll get over it, things will return to normal, and you will be just that much wiser.

The secret is this:

A lot of people on the internet are fat. ESPECIALLY those that run blogs like this one, aka – obvious ploys for attention.

Your favourite blog about gadgets? The guy who writes it is fat.
That vegan muffin recipe site you think your friends don’t know you check? She’s fucking huge (and we all know you’re on there more than a every college girl with a tramp stamp checks SuicideGirls, PS).
That website devoted solely to Giles/Xander hardcore slash fanfic?

Well, if you have that shit bookmarked, you’re probably fat yourself, so you probably knew everyone on that site is fat. In case you didn’t, well, ever seen What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? Yeah, that’s everyone on thetrueultimatesacrifice.tv.

I need to share this secret with you, my precious precious readerfriend, because *I* am fat. As you may have guessed, this is essential to today’s Stuff Only I Like.

As I think up new things to add to this list, I sometimes stop myself and say, ‘Well, maybe SOMEONE likes that, too…’. And, as I’ve discovered, I wasn’t so far off (do they like these things AS MUCH AS I do? Probably not, but until my grant money comes in for that study, we won’t know).

But this one… THIS ONE… I am dead fucking sure no one likes. The proof is in this fact, which you can test for yourself the very next time you see a fat person. Ask that person if they like being fat. They will first come out with a long list of reasons why they don’t like being fat- they have life-threatening diabetes, they haven’t had sex in 17 years, their grandkids keep giving them carrots as birthday gifts as an adorable attempt at getting them to shut their huge black hole of a mouth once and awhile, they can’t breathe when they’re going uphill on their motorized scooter… whatever. They will give you all these reasons, and then they will say this, every single time, they will say this: ‘I just hate the way I look. I hate being fat’.

You were waiting for it through that muck and mire of an intro, and so here it is: NOT ME.

‘Not me’ because being fat affords me things you probably can’t even imagine. 1, the most obvious, is it allows me to eat whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want, and I don’t have to care. It’s 9am? Yes, a huge banana split and a chicken-fried steak sounds DELISH right about now! As a matter of fact, I’ll have 2! Oh, you’re not going to eat that bread? Waiter, could you please bring me a flagon of butter, my friend isn’t going to eat her bread. Soup? Oh no, soup’s a beverage, I’m going to need a pulled pork sandwich and a box of thin mints or I’ll be starved the rest of the day!

Being able to eat whatever the fuck I want is, by far, the greatest thing about being fat. The second greatest thing is that people think I’m fucking awesome for not caring about what I eat. The way the media goes on about obesity has only caused the most brilliant backlash (point: ME); to everyone, I am like a fucking god. In this fatphobic, food-fearing, fat assed country, I am doing the unthinkable right before their eyes.

I won’t say I’m like Jesus to some people… actually, yes, I will. I’m like Jesus to some people. Especially people who own a pair of Spanx.

There are other, just-as-wonderful reasons for why I love being fat. As a woman, it keeps creepy guys from hitting on me at bars (or anywhere else, for that matter), and men are more likely to speak with me truthfully because I’m like a non-entity. Also, I have across-the-board rights to complain about a variety of things, like the way people treat me, the sizes of clothes nowadays, the portions of meals, and whether or not something is ‘the best _____ ever made’ (it’s like when you see Chinese people in a Chinese restaurant; you know you don’t argue with a fatty when they tell you you can get a MUCH BETTER red velvet cupcake somewhere else).

On top of all that, it gives me extra feminist street cred, no one ever asks me to run or do any type of exercise ever, and, if I really wanted to, I could make a movie just about my life, and everyone would think it’s fucking great because I’m finally speaking out about REAL issues (see above: Jesus).

Being fat is awesome. And in honor of this post, I am going to eat an entire birthday cake that has been stuffed with Cool Ranch Doritos and deep fried by Scottish short-order cooks.

Then I’ll drink a Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper. Not because it’s diet, but because it goes great with the Whiskey Milkshake I’m making for dessert.