#4 – Punishing Myself… The Catholic Way.

People love to shit on Catholicism, and while I can’t say I’m totally in the Pope’s boat, I can say that there are some parts of Catholicism that I think are really awesome and useful, SUCH AS:

• Catholic School Girl Uniforms;
• The PopeMobile;
• The Sistine Chapel;
• Sister Act & Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit;
• and good ole fashioned Catholic Guilt©!

Catholic Guilt makes me a better person. Why? Because it means that I am actually going to go to Heaven, since I’m atoning for my sins in the here & now, as opposed to waiting till my next life, you godless heathen.

No, just kidding. I’m not going to heaven.

I am, however, going to be going to an early grave caused by a ruptured stomach ulcer.

My Catholic Guilt allows me to see the world in a very different and special way. It also allows me to talk about myself and get people to say things like ‘No… no, you’re not a bad person’ and ‘I forgive you for selling my only child to that white slave trader! I know you meant well! Stop beating yourself up about it!’.

But punishing myself the Catholic way is also really great because it completely relieves me of any guilt whatsoever.

For those who don’t know, or Hindus, Catholicism has this thing called ‘Confession’. You go into a little box, and you talk to a priest through a screen (you actually don’t have to… you can talk to him face to face, but who needs to look a priest in the eyes and say the number of time you masturbated that week? no one, unless that’s how you get your jollies), telling him all the bad stuff you did that week (or year… or lifetime… whatever). Then, he gives you an INSANE amount of prayers to say. Once you say ALL those prayers, you are no longer full of sin.

This system is simple and great, and I took it to the next level by cutting out the middleman. I just punish MYSELF, and then feel absolutely no remorse.

Brilliant.

My version works a little like this:

Say you and I are at a party. We’re drunk (natch). I look you right in the eyes and I tell you I think America deserved 9/11, knowing full well that your dog’s previous owner’s sister’s online boyfriend died that day while taking a Green Card exam in one of the World Trade Center. You take it pretty hard, but you know I’m drunk, and you’ll most likely forget it all tomorrow.

Well, when I wake up the next day and remember I said that, I text message you an apologize. You groan and think ‘I wish she’d just forgotten about it!’, and you go back to trying to get the 40 year old man you accidentally slept with last night to get the fuck out of your studio apartment because your ex is coming over to pick up some cds he left in your car, and this was going to be your day to win him back from that skank he’s been seeing.

But I can’t forget.

For the next week and 1/2, I will tell everyone I know what I said, so they may pass judgement on me and tell me how horrible I am, wince loudly every time I think of that moment, and tell myself repeatedly that I am a horrible person and that I shouldn’t ever be allowed to drink in public ever again.

By the end of this week and 1/2 long period, I will feel so fucking terrible, everything I do for others will be solely because I am trying to make it up to YOU, dear reader, dear friend, and I will be going above and beyond in that capacity for everyone I meet.

At this point, I will reassess. I’ll look at all the good things I did that week and 1/2, and how bad I felt about what I said. It will appear sufficient, and my guilt will be completely absolved. I will no longer have this little drunken mishap over my head. It’s like it never happened.

On top of that, I will have another really funny drunk story to tell everyone I work with.

Isn’t Catholicism great?